NEW YEARS EVE VARIATIONS

As the world watched the sunset on New Years Eve, people were filled with hopeful expectation of a better year… then night fell. Night broke its hip. In America it had no health insurance so the powers that be decided it had to be put down and immediately put a bullet through night’s head thus bringing on millenniums of total darkness. In the UK, Night went to its doctor and was put on a waiting list for corrective surgery. Years passed and by the time Night’s hospital appointment came round it was deemed that Night was too old for a hip replacement. Night went on sick benefit, hung round its local pub and became a drunk reeling across the UK and pissing itself regularly. The stench of Night’s urine gave new meaning to the U in UK.

As the world watched the sunset on New Years Eve, people were filled with hopeful expectation of a better year… then night fell. Night fell for the Moon and went totally mad from unrequited love. Night was institutionalised and spent the remainder of its existence in a straightjacket mumbling rhymes like, The Moon in June left me too soon. Consequently the world put to death all the poets whose singsong delivery reminded them of Night.

As the world watched the sunset on New Years Eve, people were filled with hopeful expectation of a better year… then night fell. Night managed to catch itself, only suffering scraped knees and a bruised ego. The shame of the fall turned Night into a recluse who lived under a bridge refusing to come out. The world was seared by the Sun 24 hours a day and burned to a crisp in a few short years.

As the world watched the sunset on New Years Eve, people were filled with hopeful expectation of a better year… then night fell. Night picked itself up, brushed the dust and street debris from its clothes and sought a softer place to fall. Unfortunately for mankind on Earth, this was a planet in a galaxy far far away.

As the world watched the sunset on New Years Eve, people were filled with hopeful expectation of a better year… then night fell. Night fell pregnant (I’d like to thank the UK for this expression, which I always found remarkably evocative of Oops, I slipped and fell on your penis and now I’m having a baby). Night suffered serious raging hormones during the pregnancy and eventually after a prolonged and difficult labour, gave birth to nightmares.

As the world watched the sunset on New Years Eve, people were filled with hopeful expectation of a better year… then night fell. The world ended not with a whimper or a bang but with a thud.

Happy New Year.