NEW YEARS EVE VARIATIONS

As the world watched the sunset on New Years Eve, people were filled with hopeful expectation of a better year… then night fell. Night broke its hip. In America it had no health insurance so the powers that be decided it had to be put down and immediately put a bullet through night’s head thus bringing on millenniums of total darkness. In the UK, Night went to its doctor and was put on a waiting list for corrective surgery. Years passed and by the time Night’s hospital appointment came round it was deemed that Night was too old for a hip replacement. Night went on sick benefit, hung round its local pub and became a drunk reeling across the UK and pissing itself regularly. The stench of Night’s urine gave new meaning to the U in UK.

As the world watched the sunset on New Years Eve, people were filled with hopeful expectation of a better year… then night fell. Night fell for the Moon and went totally mad from unrequited love. Night was institutionalised and spent the remainder of its existence in a straightjacket mumbling rhymes like, The Moon in June left me too soon. Consequently the world put to death all the poets whose singsong delivery reminded them of Night.

As the world watched the sunset on New Years Eve, people were filled with hopeful expectation of a better year… then night fell. Night managed to catch itself, only suffering scraped knees and a bruised ego. The shame of the fall turned Night into a recluse who lived under a bridge refusing to come out. The world was seared by the Sun 24 hours a day and burned to a crisp in a few short years.

As the world watched the sunset on New Years Eve, people were filled with hopeful expectation of a better year… then night fell. Night picked itself up, brushed the dust and street debris from its clothes and sought a softer place to fall. Unfortunately for mankind on Earth, this was a planet in a galaxy far far away.

As the world watched the sunset on New Years Eve, people were filled with hopeful expectation of a better year… then night fell. Night fell pregnant (I’d like to thank the UK for this expression, which I always found remarkably evocative of Oops, I slipped and fell on your penis and now I’m having a baby). Night suffered serious raging hormones during the pregnancy and eventually after a prolonged and difficult labour, gave birth to nightmares.

As the world watched the sunset on New Years Eve, people were filled with hopeful expectation of a better year… then night fell. The world ended not with a whimper or a bang but with a thud.

Happy New Year.

YOUR PERSONALISED HOLIDAY CARD

Darlin'

I'm thinkin' you're gonna have a fabulous holiday. If you're spendin' time with your family, n' I know you love 'em, n' you're feelin' a little family goes very far, here's my advice to lighten up your holiday spirit. Bring up politics and/or religion whilst the family is all together and always take the opposin' side. Soon you will find yourself alone in your room blissfully readin' or listenin' to your favourite music or just contently starin' into your own space (they'll get over it n' soon you'll all be playin' happy families again). If you're gonna be on your own make sure you buy yourself an awesome present, somethin' you wouldn't usually spend your money on. If, like me, you're skint, then just get yourself on down to your nearest Target, Walmart or Pound Shop and buy yourself that unnecessary plastic object you've wanted all your life n' just can't live without. N' whilst you're out drinkin' with your friends, or with your family, remember... I'm somewhere in Austin, Texas settin' in my rocker, firin' up a fag and thinkin' about you.

With my love n' a kiss on both cheeks....just for you

Bette

WELCOME HOME

America is huge, Texas is BIGGER. Ask any Texan, they’ll tell you if you’re somewhere else in the US you’re there. If you’re in Texas, you’re HERE. All of the adverts on TV here relate their product directly to Texas. I have never seen this anywhere else in the US. The people are massive, corpulent, in most of the US and apparently the fattest people in America are in Houston. Austin seems to be the exception, many Austinites are sylph like proponents of healthy eating and healthy living. The stupidmarkets (supermarkets) are enormous. I’m living with my daughter but shopping for myself. She’s a veggie, I’m a Carnivore, yes with a a capital C. I won’t eat anything green, that’s the colour of disease. How green was my valley? Don’t know about your valley ma’am but that arm/leg/appendage of choice looks green to me, we’re afraid its gonna have to come off. Thankfully I am still in possession of all of my limbs as I have no medical insurance. Me and most other Americans, we’re just rotting away with no recourse to medical help whatsoever. Meanwhile back at the stupidmarket I search for a packet of 2 chicken breasts, hoping to have a stir fry for two nights. The smallest packet has 10, yep you count ‘em, 10 breasts inside. No, thank you, I don’t want to buy 10 and freeze 8. I certainly don’t want to eat 10 and become a country woman (I’m doing okay on that front, even with the overlarge portions of food, I have gone down another size in my favourite Gap Long and Lean jeans.) That’s another thing, every bloody thing is frozen. Oh how I miss M & S and the endless choice of fresh ready meals. I’m still stuck in the Austin stupidmarket trying to get my head round the prices. My head is still back in the 1980s, 17 years ago when I last lived here, when it comes to prices. Yes, I’ve visited over the years but its just not the same as when you have to deal with dollars and cents on a daily basis. 69cents for a chocolate bar, for fuck’s sake, they used to be 25cents, that’s more than twice the price for the same mouthful. 60 cents for a can of Campbells Chicken Noodle soup, my all time favourite and the one food I mostly exist on. Used to be 10 cents a can. I may be forced to start eating dog food but then that’s probably hugely expensive now as well. So there I am trying to be cost conscious when I spy crackers, 2 boxes for $3. Whahey, I think and reach for 2 to throw in my cart, wait a minute, they’re whole wheat crackers, I gag and toss them back on the shelf. I do have some standards you know.

CUTE

I hate this word! Come on people broaden your vocabulary, find some new words to describe clothing, accessories, body parts etc. PLEASE. For example, one does not describe an accessory decorated with skulls as cute. Let's be creative, even adventurous. How about... its glamorously grotesque, drolly decadent or charmingly chaotic? What could possibly be cute about a watch with a skull and crossbones on the dial and skulls and crossbones on the strap; nothing, nada (I'm embracing living in TexMex land and becoming bilingual). One certainly does not describe a woman whose age is the same as her height (that's right I'm 5'9") with flaming red hair and a face that shows traces of a hard life and who is dripping in skulls, as cute. Some might say she is stunning, striking or even exotic (and I'd like to thank the some who would). For fuck's sake, babies and children can sometimes be cute, I've even seen the occasional puppy or kitten who is cute.

What worries me even more than the vocabulary challenged many, are the people (especially women of a certain age) who actually like being referred to as cute. Are you brain dead, do you have no pride? Think about the years you've put in, think about your intelligence (okay you probably have very low IQ's) think about the ravages of time and get a life. I can see it now, the family is at the mortuary explaining that they need the cosmetician to make mommy look cute; rosy red cheeks, a cupid's bow mouth....yeeuch. Have you never seen Bette Davis in Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?

Bottom line people, you pretty much don't want to look cute and you certainly don't want to use that word ever again. I'm seriously going postal on the next person who says cute within 100 yards of me.

Just so you know that I'm not cute, go to my poetry link and read Life Imitates Art.